I’ve always been curious about how culture can shape a stereotypical sexuality.

Does that make sense?

Maybe i’m talking a load of poppycock. Maybe it’s impossible to have a stereotypical sexuality? Just as Stephen Jenkinson implies it’s madness to believe psychology (the truth, symbology or characters, consistencies or helpfulness of it) FITS all. For the truth is, each one of us is heart-fully unique.

But perhaps an environment has some impact on us, acts as something we sometimes chose to be camourflaged within, in order to belong.

When i lived in France, Janet Jackson’s tit, breast, boob flopped out. America was outraged. France? Part of the coffee table conversation among language teachers was the difference in TV censorship rules in the two countries. France limited or rated for a more mature audience, violence, but was more relaxed with sensuality and sexuality and the opposite was true for the U.S of A.

Then there was the topless sunbathing on crammed beaches throughout the Mediterranean.
The nudist German tourist driving that boat in Croatia.
The deliberate PUC (pants up crack) ‘kini-bottoms in Brazil.
The headscarves we wore in Morocco.
The facemasks i’ve seen people wear in Tokyo – know that was a weird segue.

Anyone had sex with someone from all these countries (not necessarily all at once)?
Does one’s dress inform one’s open-ness, playfulness, relaxed-ness in the boudoir?

Perhaps i’m too Friday-ed to write or at least publish this-night?

I often think about our binge-drinking culture in Aotearoa.
I wonder if it’s bravado. Proving to the world, how much i can ‘hack’. Last man standing…Do we in fact need to be encouraging more physical fighting to cater for this rivalry and alleviate some of our alcohol dysfunction? Is it wrapped up in the Tall Poppy Syndrome where people aren’t absorbing enough kudos and praise (attention) for their positive contributions to people and our environment, that they need to get it from, sinking or handling the most piss. To be the last man standing.

I remember using alcohol to socially lubricate me, in the direction of someone i fancied. Growing up with all sisters, playing single sex sport (badly – i’ll just chuck that in there), going to a single sex high school, living in the country. I don’t remember having really that much to do with boys except the odd play date’s little or older brother, and at christmas my cousins and everyone knows friends’ brother’s and one’s own cousins are out-of-bounds.

I should have been sent to a co-educational school?

Did i drink so i could talk with boys? Do kids that go to a co-educational school drink as much as kids who go to single-sex schools?

So, i just went to Nathan Mikaere Wallis’ workshop on brain development and it turns out (not cos of teen pregnancy, or drinking and driving, or levels of aggression) that teens shouldn’t drink alcohol till somewhere after 18 years and 21 years, and shouldn’t smoke marijuana till 18 years cos it MUNTS their brains. I’ll be able to tell you more after clarifying a few points with Mr Wallis. If i or you remember, i’ll get back to you.

How in goodness name are we to turn this drinking culture around?
Could we be radical and start encouraging sex for teens?
Sober Safe Sex for entertainment rather than drinking and drugs?

What of other countries?

Which countries do / don’t have a culture of alcohol / drugs?
What do their teens do ‘instead’ for a thrill, to exercise this fearless-ness so biologically apparent?
Surely someone’s made a global doco on this ‘epidemic’: that of being teen and needing ‘stimulation’.
Which countries do/don’t ‘allow’, or ‘accept’ teen sex?
Is there anywhere in the world people ‘celebrate’ teens having sex?

This week it’s struck me how much fear is associated with sex, and for me perhaps the only time some degree of fear is absent, is when i’m pregnant and having sex with my husband. The rest of my sexual life i will be honest and share i’ve worried (and i’ll probably, no definitely, add some generic anxieties in there too to keep you on your toes and so when you see me at the supermarket you won’t know all my sexual neuroses)…

is he just using me for sex (i.e. will he ask me out again), will the condom break, we didn’t use a condom will i get pregnant, we didn’t use a condom will i get a STD, is this too soon to have sex, should i make him wait (will he ‘want’ me ‘more’ i.e. stick around), how much noise is okay, how much hair is okay, is it okay to do a,b,c? will i get pregnant? should i be more worried about getting pregnant or getting an STD? go on the pill, hmmm, is it better to not get pregnant, or not get AIDS and die? what does the pill do to my body? what number do i become a slut at? are one-night-stands okay or not so okay? what number does a man become a (was it) slut or (was it) stud? what about the morning after pill, what will that do to my body? someone suggested NEVER to get that injection thing mental note, say no to that injection birth control pill/injection thing. don’t get an IUD if you get period pains. could try a diaphragm, even though they look a bit freaky. did i know that STD could affect my fertility? can i get pregnant? even when i’m married and with kids…will i get pregnant (again). do i want to? what happens if i do? do wives and mothers take the morning after pill? do they have terminations? do vasectomies really do wonders for one’s (i mean two’s) sex life as the midwife suggested? do people want each other less when they ‘can’t replicate each other’ by making babies? do we both get made infertile cos that’s fair? okay we’re infertile but what about fidelity and its relationship with disease…someone’s gotta bring it up.

But the freedom in having sex to make a baby…
The freedom in having sex with a baby in utero…
How many times in one’s (i mean two’s lives) does this happen?
How many times can we or do we whole-heartedly, whole-bodily enjoy sex?

So much of the rest of the time there is fear (for many?)

But is this a mindset?
Can this be mixed-and-mashed-up and as a hair-dresser once said to an-ex can we bust this open?
Just as happy people reportedly aren’t naturally happier than the rest of us, they just choose it, by practicing ways to be happy e.g. gratitude, speaking positively, helping people, celebrating themselves and others, self-caring…
Can we change it up as parents of newly sexually active younger humans, as sexually active humans ourselves? Can we loosen fear’s grip on our hearts and our and their libidos?

Cos as that beautiful Elephant Journal letter from a mother to daughter, encouraged her to HAVE FUN, in sex, it reminded us all SEX can be fun. Indulging another’s body, having one’s body stroked and pleasured can feel wondrous. It can be relaxing. It can be transporting. It can be adventurous. It can be mysterious. It can be frightening. It can be healing. It can be just as expansive and contrasting as life.

Caramba. By Jingo. Why do we focus so much on the stink stuff? Ahh Mr Wallis, cos our brain does, our brain remembers the negative easier than it does the positive. There is much to get and go wrong with sex. There is pain, shame and blame like all the other sub-sets of this thing called life. Perhaps adults are worried about their teens having sex cos they are projecting their own experiences or un-experienced fears on to them? How much FUN are parents still having between the sheets? Let’s remember we don’t merely mean penetration. Do we all need to have more FUN and then we will value it and we will celebrate it in our children in their FUN within and without sex.

FUN is lightness, an unconcern for the future, for the future never comes, it always a day away, an hour, a minute.
FUN is now.
FUN is curiosity.
FUN is a sense of humour, a sense of wonder, a sense of mystery.
FUN may not have an end.
FUN doesn’t have pain, that may or may not happen after.
FUN is now.

Here’s how a Swedish TV programme for children ‘talked’ about sex…

Catchy huh?
I’m off to have fun.
Bahahaha.
I’m not actually.
I’m off to have sleep.

Go well fellow humans, actually i take that back, go well fellow earthlings, more on the topic of earthlings another sleep-less but not sleep-empty night.

Posted by:media | events in Bay of Plenty & Beyond

Connector I Sharer Events-maker, Writer, Photographer, Teacher

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