Sex Talks – tekau ma tahi – The Safer Sex Talk according to Ellie Wilde of the Bay of Plenty, New Zealand


So what is a safer sex talk?

When should you have it?

How do you fit it into the conversation?

And why is it important?

It’s a really good thing to work out what happens to you after sex? How deeply do you merge in your sexual encounters? How much do you open? And this brings me to my key point and also a question I’d like to raise in this platform. What kind of ‘after care’ do you need?

Like many things in my life and my work, I find I gain wisdom through my mistakes, I teach what I most need to learn, and my life seems to be this endless humbling journey of practicing what I preach.

People will often project onto me the “Sex Goddess” probably imagining me having sex for hours like Sting,(maybe he doesn’t either) or having a whole stream of lovers whom I book into my life of glamorous polyamory.

So needless to say this is not my life.

I have ended up interested and focussing on sexuality because this was an area in my life I really struggled, and then found great empowerment in. I saw how sex has actually a direct impact on your ability to access life energy, and is therefore a core component in living a free and happy life. Our sexual self esteem is directly correlative to our self esteem. When something is amiss in this area of our life, it can have a profound effect on our ability to show up in the world in our full expression, so it figures that we pay some attention to it, I think, and treat our sexual energy with the respect and awareness it requires.

So why do I want to share about the safer sex talk?

Well, basically because I think it’s not happening enough in our culture, I’d like it to be the norm.

So, what is the safer sex talk?

By Safer Sex, I am not just meaning the fumbling in the dark for a condom, with a 3 word check in regarding contraception and STI protection. What I am referring to is a deeper chat, a chat that encompasses many things. When we interact sexually with someone it is not just an exchange of body fluids that can happen. It is a merging and a meeting on many levels.

You are suddenly inside of someone, inside their life, possibly impacting them in areas of their life that have the deepest wounds, vulnerabilities and desires. Whether you are penetrating or being penetrated, there is an energetic merging, a meeting and an exchange, this is heightened with fluid bonding.

It’s a really good thing to work out what happens to you after sex? How deeply do you merge in your sexual encounters? How much do you open? And this brings me to my key point and also a question I’d like to raise in this platform. What kind of ‘after care’ do you need?

After care? Yes how about we talk about the care thats needed afterwards?

So, the obvious questions we want to ask before we engage sexually with someone are:

If our connection was to turn sexual…….
When were you last tested?
Do you use birth control? Protection?
Are you in a relationship?

These are the basics, but how about asking this question too before hand? …

If we end up connecting sexually , what does it mean for you?

Are we then connected by some telepathic agreement, that requires you to geologically change your life to come live with me?

Are you looking for a 1 night stand, or an experience of a few days at this festival?

Are you looking for a relationship?

Do you have any idea what you are interested in with me?

I’d love to lift the taboo around these questions and heal some of the shame around emotional connection and neediness.

There is nothing wrong with desires right? They just need to be in the light i.e.;in awareness.

Maybe you’ll find out you have different desires for this interaction or connection.

Maybe it feels like all the planets lined up and you just met your soul mate, or maybe you just want a really good fuck!!

Rather than just asking about contraception, or when did you last get tested?

How about asking… what are you looking for in this interaction? and …..What would it mean for you if we were to have sex?

It’s kinda good to get clear on these intentions prior, it could save a lot of heart ache and confusion.

It also helps you to really think about why you are engaging with someone and to become more conscious of your own motives, desires, and maybe even fears.

The more honest we are about these things the less likely we are to hurt one another, its like a kind of damage control, a sexual R.A.M.S (risk assessment and method statement) and it can be as quick a this one question …

If we end up connecting sexually , what does it mean for you?

So the next question, when should you have this conversation?…..

BEFORE you have sex!

We all love that moment when you feel an attraction to someone, the desire kicks in, certain chemicals start rushing around the body, there can be a feeling of anticipation, arousal, nerves, excitement and then maybe we seek to find out if the attraction is mutual.

If bingo!

You find you both like one another, what usually happens?

For me when I was younger with sexual interaction it was a case of after enough alcohol, flirtatious comments, chat and cheeky glances one of us would launch at the other, starting with a snog and then maybe ending up between the sheets with barely a word in between, I wasn’t really a one night stand kind of gal, this is usually how most of my relationships started.

These days thankfully I’ve learnt some stuff. At some point if there is mutual attraction I’ll mention it, or maybe they will, and together we can work out what the mutual attraction is about. This is the point when you need the safer sex talk, not when you have started to connect sexually. It can feel awkward, presumptuous to bring it up. Maybe you are unsure if it will even go that way? Thats ok, just say that.

Like I said at the beginning of this, I teach what I most need to learn, and I learn through my mistakes. I’ve just returned from an amazing time at Kiwi-burn. This festival is a place where much freedom, and sexual expression is happening. There is a tendency towards hedonism, and a feeling of rebellion against the societal norms. Many people get swept up in the energy of freedom, there is a wildness not just in the air but expressing through peoples bodies, hearts, minds and souls. A burn ( they happen all over the planet for those of you who don’t know) is an incredible experience, a place where you can deeply access a feeling of liberation.

So without saying too much more, I just want to say I learnt the importance of this conversation. I learnt the hard way and got hurt.

For me engaging sexually is such a sacred and intimate act, my sexuality is very linked to my heart. This is a beautiful thing and I’m so proud that I have cultivated my sexuality in such a deep way with the core of my being, and my heart, it also leaves me wide open.

I feel like there is a lot of shaming in our culture around neediness, and the more feminine expression of attachment, ( which is a beautiful and natural thing in relationship, without which our relationships would never endure the tests of time!)

Because of this shaming many people are scared to have the conversation around after care, or own up to the desire to just have sex without any kind of on-going connection?

And it just isn’t a common thing in our culture to raise these questions.

I am kind of embarrassed that I failed to ask this question myself prior to engaging with someone at Kiwiburn.

Why didn’t I?

I made some assumptions that we had already established a heart connection.

In the heat of the moment I didn’t care.

There is nothing wrong with sex without an on going connection, it’s just that it needs to be owned. It’s just best to find out how each other feels, prior to uniting sexually.

Phew so thats me, thats my perfectly human moment.

There is vulnerability here, shame, I even felt slightly humiliated. But now I’m trying to view it with a sense of humour, some of the Divinely orchestrated moments over the whole experience of how the fucking UNIVERSE what ever that is kept bringing us together, and the sequence of events. I just have to chuckle.

I didn’t just make the mistake once I made it twice with the SAME person. For me I don’t mind if the encounter is 3 hrs, 3 days, a few weeks or 10 years, a sexual exchange for me has to have heart.

I failed to check in with how available his heart was.

My bad, lesson learnt.

Written by Ellie Wilde
Re-published here at wild & grace media|events with her permission.
Photo credit: Maree Wilkinson Photography

Ellie is an edge dweller, a seeker of truth and advocate for the heart. She works with the emotional as well as the physical body. Over the last 17 years, this has taken her to the deepest, darkest places within herself and in others – to the shadow, the unconscious and the unloved places within. Her own rich journey is one from abuse to sexual empowerment – a quest for healing and transformation. Her passion is to bring the light of awareness and love to all parts of ourselves. In recognising our humanity and our interconnectedness with compassion we can move beyond separation and pain. And become truly awake.

She has trained with the Institute of Somatic Sexology, The Native American Indian Sacred Sexuality (Chuloquai Quodoshka) and World-renowned Women’s Sexuality teacher Shakti Malan. Ellie is a faculty member of the International School of Temple Arts and the main organiser for ISTA events in New Zealand.

Ellie offers private sessions for couples and individuals as well as a growing range of group workshops. Over the last years, she has been bringing a wealth of diverse trainings and international leaders in the field of Conscious Sexuality to New Zealand.

Her life is dedicated and in service to Love.

“It is a pleasure and an honour to support others on this journey back to wholeness: If you feel disempowered, wounded or limited either: intimately, sexually, emotionally, physically or mentally, and this is holding you back in life, or you are simply wanting to expand and improve your experience of life, relationship, intimacy and sex then please do not hesitate to contact me. I would love to accompany you on this personal and intimate journey with yourself.” Ellie Wilde

If you’d like to know what and when Ellie is next teaching here’s her calendar:

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