The Five Love Languages – can you give them to yourself, and look to them via life and other relationships rather than getting what you need solely from your spouse.


We know someone who believes they don’t fit this prescription and instead has two love languages (two ways in which they feel ‘cared for’, ‘noticed’, ‘connected’ i.e. loved)

Can you guess what they may be?

(Which perhaps could be categorised into acts of service and physical touch, but let’s run with ‘originality’ or ‘non-conformity’).

Here’s one thing to consider, if someone feels LOVED when they’re ‘fed’ food and sex do they feel unloved when they’re not ‘fed’ food and sex?

Or when someone feels loved when there’s physical touch and quality time in their relationship(s) do they feel unloved when there’s an absence of physical touch and a minimal amount of quality time?

We write relationship(s) not only for the polyamorists among us, but also because these love languages can extend to our non-sexual relationships too. Those between child & parent, friend & friend, sister & brother etc.

Here’s another thing to consider. Not trying to get so independent that we stop connecting with people and how did Charles Eisenstein term it in Living the Change Documentary – World Premiere. Being-dependent???Will get back to you on this one. Help me out Leo Mufasa Murray – what’s the term? But, what happens instead of looking to others to provide us with these ‘love languages’ can we provide them for ourselves?
Are these the juicy directions which can lead us to our ‘pleasure’?Pleasure in all meanings of the word – Joy, Ease, Relaxation.

If i ‘love’ physical touch, can i get regular massage?

If i ‘love’ acts of service, can i get more support around me, i.e. use the services of Student Job Search, or Hire-A-Hubby Otumoetai & Tauranga Central, start a neighbourhood babysitters co-op or a carpool to school – so i feel less alone.

If i ‘love’ quality time, what day can i rhythmically generate ‘quality time’ for myself. What does quality time look like? A slow hot cuppa tea and flicking through a favourite mag or a photo album? Sitting in one’s garden? Every Wednesday morning walk along the beach…

If i ‘love’ gifts, can i buy myself a romantic bunch of flowers, an abundant box of chocolates?

Can we look to our ‘whole community’ to ‘receive’ these love languages rather than relying on our partner for these. Esther Perel talks about this social deficit, and that most Americans only feel they have 1 person or less to go to, to share with, in times of need. She talks about the pressure this ‘minimal connection’ we have with others, places on our partnerships.

Her long and deep interview on London Real is a must, it is refreshing, relieving and inspiring. Especially the bit when she talks about knowing our partner will always be there for us. No they won’t, she says. At some point they will die, or they may fall in love with someone else, or they may decide to leave. It’s not helpful to treat our partner’s like a comfy armchair. She encourages us to treat them more like our work clients. With a level of respect. With a sense of mystery. With a renewed curiosity rather than complacency.

Lastly, can we make it fun, turn this into a game. Massage swaps. Mystery date nights. Surprise presents sent anonymously (to ourselves hahahahaha).

Go well lovers, go well.

Written by Emily with wild & grace

I love reading your comments, kia ora for taking the time to share your thoughts

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s